My wall was built triple thickness and double height. I was going to protect myself for ever more. I was afraid to be anything other than mediocre. For too long I had been controlled by my abuser and as a child into my teenage years I had learned to not be courageous. Because no one came to my rescue. When I had been brave, nothing. No one. So, I gave my power to my fears to stay safe.
When I was in the trenches of despair I would journal
Mar 16, 2022
When I was in the trenches, I mean really in the deep pit of darkness and sorrow, I would journal.
Some days I would fill page upon page and other days barely a mark.
Journaling kept me sane. It was a place where I fiercely scribbled my frustrations, cautiously admitted my fears, settled my worries, bared my soul in multi-coloured ink, worked through dark days and delicately described the hole I was in but crawling out of.
I could safely open up about all my troubles, the abuse I'd suffered, the trauma that was still be be healed and from this place I was able to identify where I needed help.
I found ways to resolve my inner conflict and self-loathing, shame, guilt and worries myself. I started to discover my true authentic self in those pages that eventually led me get the professional help I needed.
By keeping my journal I managed to conjure up days of sunshine, abundance, bluer skies, happier visions.
I could describe in glorious detail the future I...
I rarely believe you because you rarely tell the truth. Standing up to the narcissist.
Jul 20, 2021
How often do you find yourself questioning what your partner, friend, parent, colleague has said to you?
You genuinely want to believe what they say yet you have a real niggle about it. A feeling that won't leave you that what they are saying simply doesn't ring true.
Being in a relationship with a narcissist whether personally, professionally, or romantically can be incredibly challenging because so often they will lie in order to get what they want from you and the relationship you have with them.
It's important for them to:
- feel and look good,
- win,
- humiliate
- demoralise
- mock
- get the praise
- have the attention
- be loved and not necessarily to love.
The tough part comes when you question them about what they are saying. If you dare to challenge back, check the validity of what they are saying, disprove, disbelieve even simply offering an alternative view. They will not be happy with you and will do everything to maintain...
From Fear to Courage
Dec 14, 2020
It was far safer to keep quiet. To protect myself. To do as I was told even into my adult life.
I didn’t know what I wanted. I didn’t try for anything. I didn’t have big hopes and dreams. I was grateful for what I had been told I was having. I didn’t think to go after what I wanted because I hadn’t ever found out what that might be.
However, sitting inside my fortress was uncomfortable. I was fearful of doing anything. I was afraid to consider what my dreams might actually be. I was scared to live in accordance with how I wanted to live,...
Is it time to take off your MASKS?
Dec 14, 2020
I have been thinking about all the masks I have worn in the past and those that I have been wearing lately.
What MASKS have I worn?
In the past, and until relatively recently, I had a plethora of masks I used to wear.
I had masks of confidence, perfectionism, fearlessness, bravery, carelessness, strength, victim, intellectual, knowledgeable and I even had a mask of woefulness and martyrdom.
Oh, yes, I wore a lot of masks and I know there were many more, although those ones spring immediately to mind as I write this. From a very young age I learnt to wear my masks, because I needed to hide.
I suffered a terrible trauma and was controlled and manipulated from a very young age until my early 20’s and during that time I wore many masks to get me through. Some masks I was definitely shown to wear and others I simply learnt to wear through fear, shame, anger, pain, guilt, embarrassment.
Some I wore consciously...
